So here I am finally writing about a little blessing in the unexpected and how I leaned into fear and let God’s plan guide me to a new light.
I found out I was pregnant on a cold November morning. Snow was falling heavy from the sky. I welcomed the morning how I typically do, rising before the rest of the family and entertaining myself with a hard workout before the sunrise. This morning in particular though I remember feeling bloated and not my normal self. A sudden rush came over me and racing thoughts, “could I be… no it’s not possible… oh my goodness what if… no way…” dance in my head.
I took my big girls to school and off to Target I went with my littlest flower in tow. I was shaking the entire time. Anxious. Scared. Tearful. Two pregnancy tests later, we headed home. I sat in our bathroom, tears filling my eyes, klo by my side, and waited as the lines started to appear.
There were two.
How could this be? There is no way for this to be true… what are we going to do? What will Aaron say? How is my family going to handle this news? All the questions came at once and I found myself slowly falling down a deep and dark place.
I wasn’t expecting the news of this precious life to feel so overwhelming and scary. This was a new feeling to me. Something that took me by great surprise. I felt guilty and shame to be thinking and feeling the things I was feeling. While we have three healthy children, getting pregnant didn’t come easy to us. It was a lot of trials, followed by a lot of losses. Those years were the most difficult of my life and on our marriage. While we kept each other strong and supported, emotionally it was hard and heavy. I didn’t want to risk going through all of that again.
After weeks of tears and long talks, we put this blessing in His hands and prayed that he would gift our family what He thinks we can handle. Weeks went on. My belly got bigger and my ultra sounds and doctor appointments all confirmed that baby was well and strong.
We had just turned the page to a new chapter. A new phase of life, only to find ourselves mid page turn to something pulling us back. That something was this new life. I’m forever grateful for what my body has done and what it continues to be capable of. Despite my feelings of uncertainty and fear, I am humbled to be able to grow life inside of me again. I wasn’t prepared for the roller coaster of emotions that have swept me off my feet in ways I didn’t know were even possible. Feelings I wouldn’t have ever expect myself to feel. I didn’t know this was going to be our story. We didn’t plan it, in fact. But life… LIFE is truly something and works in ways we can’t even explain at times.
Already this baby is teaching my family and I, so much and we’re forever grateful to him or her for showing us this way. For leading us on a new adventure. Our hearts are wide open and our arms are too.
Finding strength and confidence in this unexpected journey hasn’t been easy to bear. But I feel like I have finally reached the top of what was a very difficult climb, to fully embrace now what is coming.
I leaned into the feelings that came from this experience and news more than any other time in my life. I have let myself feel instead of brush it aside. As a person who feels like she needs to be emotionally strong at all times, I let the rain pour down on me and invite what I was feeling in.
There is only one way to get out of a dark place and that is inviting what is going on to sit with you. I have preached this to my clients time and time again, and it’s the only way to come out the other side.
You have to plant the seeds and tend to them, in order from them bloom.